Being a Barnabas

My husband entered the ministry when our oldest child was just a year old.  We moved from our hometown to a large city and quickly began working in the local mission ministry; at church and in our community.  We LOVED it.  We met lots of new people, interesting people, people of many different backgrounds and beliefs.  We had the privilege of seeing some of those come to know Jesus and be baptized.

A few years later, the LORD sent us to "the desert."  I call that time period a desert because we weren't as involved in missions.  We weren't as involved in our community.  We weren't as involved in our church.  This was tough.  I felt like I had been wandering, trying to rediscover my purpose.  It took me some years before I realized that this desert was what God wanted.  It taught me how to take a back seat.  It taught me the importance and value of pouring God's word into my children.  It taught me that my new mission field was in my very own home.

I often beg God to send us back into the mission field; local or even foreign.  I also beg Him to let me be like Paul; on the front lines, advancing the Gospel in HUGE ways.  He gently guides me back to my new position as a Barnabas (an encourager to Paul).  He ever so gently has been teaching me this by giving me people to encourage.  He also has given me examples of some true encouragers.  Here's one...

A friend of mine ran in the half marathon also.  She ran on the second day and with her friend.  I looked for her before the start, along the way, and after but never did find her.  After the race, I texted her to see how her run went.  She responded with, "It was great.  I didn't run very fast but I ran with my friend.  It was her first half marathon and I wanted to be with her, to encourage her along the way and to see her finish."  WOW!  How selfless.  She set aside her own desires.  She set aside her own goals.  She is a Barnabas.

1 John 3:16 says, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters."

I always interpreted this as dying.  Oh sure, I have no problem taking a bullet for a friend.  But will I allow myself to remain quiet while someone else gets the praise?  Or will I set aside my own goals and run slower with a friend?  Can be content in the background; being a Barnabas?  Can I be the quiet donkey that no one praised for carrying Jesus into Jerusalem?

We OUGHT to lay down our lives for others.

Random thoughts as I ran two half-marathons

I have always wondered what a runner thinks about as they run.  I mean, they have all that time to themselves.  LOL.  Okay, so here are a bunch of my random thoughts during my two half-marathon runs, in no particular order.

What was I thinking?

I'm doing this again?  Why am I doing this again?

Here we go!!  Yeah!  I can do this.  I can do this.  I'm going to cry.

What should my facebook status be after this run?

AHH...TWIG...DUCK! 

I can do hard things!

I delivered an 8 1/2 lb baby without an epidural.  That was hard.  I can do this.

Come on, Nicole.  Pick up the pace.  Quit slacking.

Where the heck am I?  Shouldn't I be done already?!

Oh gosh, grab the cup, don't run into anyone, careful....

Yummy!  Nothing like sweat laced, mashed up ibuprofen.  Oh well.  

Wow!  There goes that little girl!  She's so freaking fast.

I can't do this. I can't do this.  I can do this.  I can't do this.

Pain is temporary.  Memories are forever.  Unless I forget.  Oh crap.

Pain is temporary.  Medals are forever.  Unless lydia claims all my medals.  Oh crap.

Pain is temporary.  Internet results are forever.  yeah, I like it.

I need to walk.  No, I can't walk. Stop trying to be a quitter.

They're going the wrong way.  Great, now I'm going the wrong way.  Oh..no I'm not.  

Turnaround at a flag pole.  Seriously!  Hmm...What if I grab it, spin around quickly, then launch down the path faster?!  No, I shouldn't try it.

OOOOH, CAMERA!  CHEESE!!! :)

I'm sure there were many, many more random thoughts and here are just a few.  I really enjoyed this weekend.  My body hates me but it will get over it.  What I love most is that now my kids want to run.  That makes me proud.  (I started running because my dad's an amazing marathon runner.)  Oh, and one of my favorite memories by far is when I was slowly (because I was in so much freaking pain) crossing the street, an old man in his car rolled down his window and yelled "JERK!!" at me.  Ha!  Old people.  Can't wait until I'm old.  :)

I appreciate being lied to...sometimes.

Sometimes I appreciate being lied to.  For example, when my kids get hurt but they (and their daddy) tell me that they're fine.  They do it because they are well aware of my natural reaction, TO FREAK OUT!  Or when my child is loses his grip on a tire swing, is barely hanging onto the rope while he's flying well above the rooftop of the house.  Yeah, I was thankful I did not know that situation actually occurred until months after it did.  I would have lost it passed out!  So recently my running app has been lying to me and today I found out the truth.  I wish I hadn't.  You see, running for me not at all natural.  Instead, it's rather painful, both mentally and physically.  My life has been on an emotional roller coaster the past few weeks.  Nobody worry.  Not a full out, crazy, thrill ride kinda roller coaster, but a tiny kiddie one.  Anyway, it's enough to make this lady overwhelmed.  So for once, running was making me feel proud.  For once in the last few weeks, I felt strong and accomplished.

Until today.

Defeat is now breathing down my neck.  I wish I hadn't discovered how terrible I am at running.  I liked thinking I was improving.  I liked thinking I was doing something right at a time when mothering is challenging me, teaching is challenging me, maintaining a schedule is challenging me, and even being an encouragement to others to the Glory of God is challenging me.  I liked thinking I was "winning" at something. I don't want a medal (well, only the one at the finish line of a half marathon- there's no way I'm running 13.1 miles and not getting some sort of token to remember the insanity).  I don't want special recognition.  I just want to feel proud of myself.  Satan has always been very good at discouraging me in this exact area.  He's a champ at telling me I'm not good at anything I do.  I hate it when I let him win me over.  Thankfully, recently I've been studying, memorizing and drawing near to a verse.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Cor 12:9

His power is made perfect in my weakness.  Wow.

I'm glad Jesus loves us weaklings.  Will I run again?  Maybe but definitely with my truthful app.

My Home Sweet Home

So Christmas has come and gone and now we are left to pack away all the decorations until next year.  It was a lovely time with my precious family and my husband's family.  It was also an eye-opening time for me. I realized something that I figured all along but it was made very clear to me this Christmas.  You see, a couple days before Christmas, my husband learned that his grandfather was very ill and in the hospital.  We were scheduled to spend our Christmas with his family and the plans remained unless his grandfather's health worsened.  Well, it did.  So Christmas day, my husband, his siblings and their mother took a trip to go see their grandfather, her father.  It was a no-brainer that my husband had to be there so they headed off as quickly as they could.  At that point, two of my boys were very cranky and in desperate need of a nap.  I decided instead of hanging out at my in-laws house, I would head to my grandmothers house to visit her, my grandfather, my dad, my brother, my sister, and my brother-in-law.  I managed to get the two cranky pants to take a nap and as I sat on the floor, waiting for them to fall asleep, I realized how lonely I felt.  It was the most confusing feeling I've ever felt.  It was confusing for me because I knew I wasn't alone.  I had my wonderful family right there with me.  I also had my wonderful in-law family there if I needed them.  Yet, my heart felt so lonely.  It was then I realized that my husband is my home.  He's my safe haven.  He's my rock.  He gives me the confidence to press on.  He strengthens me as a wife and mother.  He's my home sweet home.  I wasn't missing my own bed.  I wasn't missing familiar surroundings.  I was missing him.  I felt lost without him.  I had the opportunity to explain this to him and share with him the feeling of security he gives me.  Thankfully he didn't think I'm a freak!  LOL!  He was blessed to know that I need him and rely on him. It also confirmed what we've both known all along; it doesn't matter where we move to, as long as we have each other, we will be just fine.  I'm so thankful for him, my home sweet home.

Why I Homeschool.

So we realize that our decision to home educate our children is not the popular decision.  While it's growing and becoming more mainstream, it's still a ways off from comparing to public school by number of students. We knew we would face opposition, disapproval, and those not willing to support us.  But we are choosing it anyway.  I've thought on many occasions about posting our reasons for making this decision but didn't feel the time was right, until now.  I've decided to share our reasons for homeschooling our children.

Before I can begin I need to back up to what happened to initiate the idea of homeschooling.  Well, it began when two of my kids started public school last fall.  Finally, I had more than one child in school and only a few at home.  What a relief, right?  Wrong.  Our typical day began at 630 in the morning, with me waking up the kids, rushing to get dressed, fed, and out the door on time.  They arrived back home at 330, hungry and with a ton of homework.  I allowed them a 30 minute break and snack time before they had to work on homework.  Five o'clock was dinner and shortly thereafter, we were rushing back out the door to someone's ballet lessons, soccer practice, basketball practice, or football practice.  We usually didn't make it back home until 830 or 9 and by then the kids were hungry again, exhausted, and we were fighting them to rush to take showers and go to bed.  By the end of each day, we felt worn out, empty, disconnected, and disappointed.  Disappointed because we had not spent enough time with our kids; especially in God's word together.  When I started to realize this trend, I immediately thought of a scripture.  "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.  These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk to about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."  I felt disappointed in myself and my husband when I realized we had not been living that way.  So in the semester following, I began to try to incorporate more of God's word into our daily lives.  I thought I was doing well until my eldest participated in Bible Drill competition at church.  He knew not even a third of the verses.  I failed him.  So that's when my husband and I began the search in our hearts and with God to determine what changes we needed to make.  Our first thought was to eliminate all sports or extracurricular activities.  That makes sense, right?  Wrong.  Our sons, especially, were born with a love and talent for sports.  It's who they are; it's ingrained into their being.  After all, their father is a minister who runs the gym at our church.  It's what we are constantly surrounded by.  We own stock in Academy.  Just kidding, we don't, but we should!  So God really laid it on our hearts that eliminating sports was not the right decision to make.  Ok, so now what, we ask.  Homeschool.  "But God, I'm not qualified.  I'm not an organized person.  I don't have a teaching degree.  I am NOT equipped!"  We know how this story goes, right?  God calls you to do something, go somewhere, reach a certain nation, enter a certain ministry, and we say I can't but he says, I will make you able.  And he certainly has.  I am surprised and amazed everyday by the grace and guidance God gives to me to teach my kids.  He gives me the wisdom.  He shows me the correct way.  And my kids are thriving.

I am not the one to say homeschooling is for everyone.  That's ridiculous.  That would be like saying all men should be ministers or all moms should stay home.  God has a very specific calling for each of us; and this is ours.  It fits our family.  We are able to keep sports in our lives.  We are able to spend lots of wonderful time with their Daddy.  And the most important thing, above all other positive experiences coming out of this, my kids are getting God's word; lots and lots of it.  They are memorizing scripture like never before.  We are talking about it and applying it to everything we do.  It has become the center of our family and our homeschool.

So this is why we homeschool.  Not to shield them from the world or to control what they are learning; only to give them as much of God's word in a way that works for our family.  We weren't doing it before and it is a command he gave us so we took the measures we felt necessary to obey his command.  The rest we leave up to him.  They are, after all, his children.

The Best Mother-in-law Ever. I hope.

Hey, it's been a while.  Life.  So this past weekend, I had the privilege of attending a 15th birthday party, also known as her quince, of a friends daughter.  It was a beautiful experience.  Yes, I did the Cupid Shuffle and the Macarena but that's not all that made it fun.  Before I begin to explain why this was so significant for me, I need to back up a bit.  

When I was a young girl, I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I began taking mental notes at about the age of 10 and titled my mental list, "The Best Mother Ever."  I would note when I saw a mother do something sweet for her daughter, including mine.  I would note when a mother would do something not so sweet to her daughter.  I watched, listened, and compiled a long list of do's and don'ts. To this day, I refer to that list.  After this weekend, and all the beautiful and symbolic words spoken and gifts given, I've decided to begin compiling a new list and title it, "The Best Mother-in-law Ever".  I know that in-law relationships can be difficult complicated complex interesting.  I can only imagine what it must be like for a mother to give her child her heart to someone else and trust that person to protect them, love them, serve them, adore them, like she does.  I'm sure it's difficult.  So that's why I've started my list; to prepare myself for the day I will give my child my heart away.

1. I will love and accept my daughter-in-law/son-in-law like they are my very own.  And I mean that with all sincerity in my heart.

2. I will expect to see my child change and be changed over the course of their marriage.  I will remember that God is going to use their spouse to mold them into who He wants them to be and they may not look like the child I raised.  And that must be ok.

3. I will give my daughter-in-law a symbolic gift before her wedding day, to represent me handing over my son to her, realizing that she will now rule her own household/husband and I will respect that.

4. I will give my son-in-law a symbolic gift before he takes my daughter, to wish him luck with my baby girl ruling their household.  LOL!  

5. I will respect my in-laws as parents.  I will ask permission.  I will earn their trust.  I will obey their wishes.

And did I mention, I will love them like my very own children?  Well, I will.

6. I will pray for them.  I will pray for our relationship.  I will pray for all the ways I fail them as a mother-in-law, that God make up the difference so that our relationship with glorify Him.  I will also pray with them; I pray with my kids and that will now include them.

I'm sure there's plenty more to come but for now, I'm satisfied with this list.  I do so want to be a wonderful mother-in-law who is a blessing to her children; natural born and given by marriage.

When my Motherhood takes a beating

I've worked hard, very hard, at this Mommy thing.  I knew I wanted to be a mother since even before I knew I wanted to be married.  When I was a child, I would watch mothers and take LOTS of mental notes. While in college, I struggled with majors because I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom and I couldn't find a degree (at the college I attended) best suited for the job.  I decided long ago that I would work to be the best mother I could possibly be.  So when I actually became a mother, the one thing I never imagined happening was that my heart would be so tender to all words spoken about my children or about me as a mother.  It took me years to learn how to stand up for myself; to develop confidence in myself as a mother.  For years I struggled with this and it was easy for many seasoned mothers to see this in me and take advantage of my timidity.  I remember the first time a seasoned mother made me cry.  She was my coworker at a preschool and, while I cared for the two year olds, she cared for the babies.  My eldest was in her class and no matter what I said to her, she always knew what was better for him.  If I said to snuggle him a certain way, she would snuggle him an entirely different way, then tell me just how wonderfully it worked and that my way didn't ever work.  This one day, as I struggled with her over something else regarding my sons care, she looked right at me and said, "You don't have a mother, do you?"  My jaw dropped.  Of course I have a mother.  In fact, I have several mothers; well, women who inspire me, helped to raise me, and who love me. I have great women in my life and they each taught me different things about being a wife, mother, housekeeper, chef, financial manager, etc.  She saw my lack of confidence and assumed I didn't have a wonderful role model.  Well, years went by and over the years I grew in my confidence as a mother.  I have stood up to people for my kids.  I have confronted people for my kids.  I have made decisions for my kids and dealt with confrontation from others who don't agree with my decisions.  So lately I've been feeling pretty confident as a mother, not prideful, just confident.  Until recently.  My motherhood took a beating.  Won't go into the details but something was said directly to me that translated disapproval of the way I manage my kids and that hurt.  I found myself having to lift my jaw off the table again.  I felt like that new mom again who lacked confidence and radiated timidity.  I was hurt.  Moving beyond this is so hard.  It's not forgiveness I'm struggling with because I forgive the person who said these things to me.  It's that my heart hurts and that's not an easy thing to mend.  All the nicest things in the world could be said to me today and it still wouldn't mend my wounded heart.  My heart possess a tenderness when it comes to my kids and the smallest jab, intentional or not, is painful.  So what now?  I'm just trying to keep my chin up and keep moving forward.  My Motherhood took a beating but still my kids are joyful, happy, loving, generous, passionate, friendly, smart, helpful kids.  And I sure do love them.